A test of will

There is this “thing” that I am not supposed to do. My religion forbids it. My mom does not like it but will love me anyways. My relatives & close family do not approve. But I LOVE doing it. I dig it so much that I do it every time I get the chance. And honestly  the chances are aplenty. 

So why have I decided to stop doing it? Definitely not for the above reasons (Sorry Mom!!). I want to see if I can do it. I want to see if I have what it takes to actually do it. I am sure I can do it, but let us face it – it’s not the same as doing it.

In the end, if I am able to pull it off, it’s all going to be for the good. Mom will be happy and any thing that boosts my confidence (*cough*   ego   *cough*) is always welcome!!

I may have been conned; I don’t care!!

Today was Pongal and I’m spending it with the family after 3 years. Mom had made the usual Paayasam, Vadai & Pongal and they were good. There were a lot of special programs aired on all the television channels. I’ve completely stopped watching T.V. a long time back and so it was an ordinary day for me other than the feast that Mom had prepared. I went to my aunt’s in the evening and we went to a nearby temple (Yes, I am a good guy!).

It was about 9 when I started for my home. It was a nice night for a walk and I decided to take the local train as it’d entail some walking. And Lord knows I need to walk if I were to compensate for all that my Mom’s been feeding me. I think she’s enrolled in a Who-can-make-her-son-fat-really-fast? contest and I’d wager she’s blowing the competition out of water. I don’t usually think about this a lot but for some reason this was all I could think of tonight. I reached the train station and naturally my eyes went towards the weighing machine that was installed there.

So I raid my wallet for 1 Rupee coins to check my weight. The machine blinked all its lights on and off as if it was screaming from the pain caused by the excess weight and finally spat out not one but two cards. Now I’m not going to give any numbers but I’ll say that one of the cards had a number which was too good to be true and the other had a number which was 10 kilos greater. I realized that the machine was at fault and didn’t throw someone their card earlier and start looking for another coin but couldn’t find any.

As I started walking to the end of the station so I can get in the first carriage of the train, cursing my lack of 1 Rupee coins and somehow trying to convince myself that card # 1 was mine, this guy came up to me and started talking. He was in his late twenties or early thirties and was not from here as he started the conversation in English. He was wearing a monkey cap and a sweater which seemed odd to me as it was not cold. He said “Sir, I’m from Andhra. My friend said he’d get me a nice job here for 15,000 rupees but cheated me and ran away with all my belongings. My best friend, sir!”

I knew what was coming next. “I know nobody in Chennai sir. Somebody bought me some food. The train ticket to go back home is about 170 rupees and I’ve 70 rupees. I need only 100 rupees. I’ll not eat anything on the way. I just need some help to get back. If you give me your phone #, I’ll arrange to pay you back when I get back.” I also learned that he had a Post Graduate degree from Osmania university. He also showed me his PAN card which seemed pretty legit.

Now this is not the first time someone has walked up to me and asked for money like this. And I don’t have the smarts to tell when someone’s lying to my face. The odds of this being a con was great. But on the off chance that this was real, I couldn’t just walk away without helping this guy out. He’s all alone, without money and already regretting his decision to have been careless. To ask help from people who’re passing by must be really hard and embarrassing. It must have been eating him alive. I was not going to leave him like that.

I pulled 2 100 rupee notes from my wallet and gave it to him. He started crying and said “Sir, please don’t think I’m cheating.” I asked him to stop crying and said “It does not matter if you are. Just be careful going forward. You can go back home with this and eat something on the way.” He offered to do Puja in my name (apparently his Dad is a priest in some temple) and asked for my name but I didn’t give it to him. I just said “I wish you all the best for finding a job!” and boarded the train which had arrived by then.

In all probability, it was a con. I’ve given up on people being honest a long time back. But that is never going to stop me from doing something like that. If it was legit I did a good thing. If it wasn’t legit it doesn’t matter.

The thing is, I’ll never know either way!

It’s been 5 years

I’ve completed 5 years with my current employer as of yesterday. I cannot believe it’s been 5 years already. I still remember the first day I walked into this project, all enthusiastic and scared at the same time. I guess I should pat myself on the back for sticking so long; but the fact is, it doesn’t seem like a long time.

There have been so many disappointments, so many happy moments, so many appreciations, so many mistakes, so many situations that went out of control…. you get the idea.

Come to think of it, I don’t know how I’ve managed to be here for 5 long years. There were times when I thought to myself “What the hell am I doing here?” “Is this helping my career?” “Am I happy with what I’m doing?” “Why the heck do I seem to be in the wrong place at the wrong time, ALWAYS %&%&@#*@#((” etc etc….

Yet, here I am for better or for worse!

I must admit that it has been an incredible journey so far. I’ve learnt a lot of things and gained a lot of friends. But every thing has its ups and downs. I try not to think of the downs as I don’t want to go to bed angry and frustrated now

Looking back now, these are the things that come to mind when I think about these last 5 years:

• My first salary – I think it was in the range of 15K rupees as it was for 45 days or so. I bought 3 silk sarees for my Grandma, Mom and Aunt. They were very impressed and my Aunt still tells me that it draws the attention of people and they always ask her about it. It had taken me no more than 10 minutes to get in to the store, select the sarees, pay for them and get out.  The other thing I did with my first month salary was to fill up the tank in my old Pulsar bike (18 liters). The sad thing was that I was left with almost no money after and I had to borrow from Mom to see myself through the next month. (Embarrassing, I know!!)
• No Passport – I didn’t have a passport back then and a passport served as a security check on employees to make sure they’re ok. I didn’t have one and there was a client visit going on and I was asked not to enter the work place (I was asked to stay in the library) until I get the receipt number (or whatever) that is proof of my passport application being processed. Unfortunately I didn’t have a proper residence proof back then and it took me longer than usual to get it done. But it was so embarrassing for me back then as I took it very personal. I can now understand why they had to do what they had to do, but I can never forget it.
• First Personal Appearance – This was funny! I badly wanted this Visa for a number of reasons and was hell bent on getting it. So I pay attention to all the little details, things that may be asked, how I should present myself, introduce myself, etc.. etc… I had prepped so very well that I was very confident. I had dressed up nicely as well (white shirt, “You could see your face on the leather” polished shoes, tie – the whole 9 yards). So, when the time comes, I step up to the guy and he asks me which company I work for and Bam! “You need to come back with an ***“
• Second Personal Appearance – So, 2 months later I go back with an ***. I had no hopes of getting it this time. It’s like all the planets aligned just to mess me up the last time when I was so prepared, I completely gave up this time. I was not wearing a tie, no white shirt, no preparation. It was a lady this time. She says “Oh! You’ve come back with an ***. Please pay your fees sir” And that’s it, I got the visa.
• My first client meeting – I was taking over this project from person X who was very good and had an excellent rapport with the clients. Now, this person was going back and the clients didn’t like me taking over (I’m the new guy 1 week in the U.S.). This was supposed to be some peer review session (I can’t recall what we were reviewing) and X and I were talking print outs of this document. The meeting was supposed to start at 9:00 AM and the printer for some odd reason was not working and I had to get the document printed using another machine which delayed us by 5 minutes to the meeting. So, I’m already shit scared and cursing myself profusely for the delay when we enter the conference room. This one client in the room said “There he is; better late than never!” I can’t describe how bad I really felt then. I wanted to shoot myself as I thought “Well Sayee – there goes your onsite career. Now the entire U.S knows you’re not punctual. God knows how you managed to eff up the first impression! ” HAHA! I’ll close by saying that this client & I had to work together for 2 more years and we’ve an excellent rapport. We remember that incident a lot and always joke about how she almost had me packing and sending me half way across the globe with that one line.

There are other things I will not write about here for obvious reasons. Maybe, 5 years down the line, if I do reminisce, some of these may not be remembered.

Wish me luck because, sure as hell, I’m gonna need it!!

The Eve of Deepavali

It was a regular Sunday evening for me. I’d nothing special planned other than to meet up with a friend and go to my second most favorite temple here. I went to his place around 8 PM and we rushed to the temple on my bike because they close the temple at 8.30 PM. We made it in time (thanks to my fantastic driving skills (?) and utter disregard to personal safety) and it was turning out to be a nice evening.

The next in our to-do list was to have dinner and we drove back to Tambaram. We dined at this restaurant which used to be one of our regulars 4 years back. They had a sign which read “Celebrating 9 years of serving quality food thanks to you” or something to that effect. We’d seen that sign when it read 5 years. It’s amazing how time flies by! Anyway, we were chit chatting about crazy relatives, broadband Internet service providers & treadmills among other things as we were eating.

After the dinner, I dropped him over at his house and was on my way back home. I was going over this fly over when I noticed this old lady (must be in her 70s) sleeping on the side of the pavement. I hit the brakes and turned around (driving in the wrong direction) and stopped next to her. The noise didn’t wake her up. She was sleeping with her hands around her chest so as to give some warmth. The sight just pained me. The whole world (OK, maybe not the entire world, but India) is rejoicing and getting ready for tomorrow, people flocking to the shops for buying clothes, kids dragging their parents to buy crackers, people buying sweets when this poor soul is sleeping on the road without a shelter, without spare clothes…. with nothing.

Tomorrow is going to be just another day for her. She will not be wearing new clothes, not eat sweets, not watch any of the mildly amusing TV specials. Nothing! There is something wrong with this world.

She must have realized that someone was standing next to her and woke up. I smiled and started talking to her. She was not very coherent for some reason.

Me  : Did you have dinner?

Her : Yes.

Me  : What’s special for Deepavali?

Her : Nothing.

Me  : Will you take money if I offered? (I didn’t want to offend her but I wanted to do something)

Her : Yes.

Me  : Please take this. (I pulled a 100 Rupees note from my wallet and placed it in her hand)

Her : Where do you live?

Me  : Chromepet.

Her : Pallavaram?

Me  : No. Chromepet; just beyond this fly over.

Her : You’ve to go to work now?

Me  : No, I don’t work in the night. I’ve a regular day job.

Her : Poi thoongu! (In Tamil – Go home and sleep)

Me  : Sari, neengalum thoongunga.  (Ok, please do the same.)

I turned around and started racing back to home. I had tears in my eyes and I started thinking of my Patti (grandma). I miss her so much!! You don’t realize what you’ve until you’ve lost it!

Here comes another Deepavali, the festival of lights. To some it’s the festive fireworks, to some it’s about the sharing of sweets, to some it’s another holiday. To me, it’ll always remind me of the last time I was with my Patti.

I wish you all a happy and fun filled Deepavali!

Today, I killed a crow.

It was 11 ish in the morning; I was Stumbling Upon web pages as usual and basically procrastinating when mom came into my room. She had gone upstairs to hang the wet clothes to dry but had rushed back without doing so for some reason.

Our building is still under construction and we had people working on the top floor. They’ve been using a open barrel filled with water in which a crow had fallen. My mom had noticed the crow struggling to get out of the barrel and had placed small wooden poles and boards thinking the crow will climb out with some foothold.

This was of no avail because the crow must have fallen inside a while back for its wings were completely wet and it could barely keep itself afloat let alone climb out. This is when my mom had come down and told me what happened.

I knew I had to get it out of the barrel myself and took a bucket and started ascending the stairs. As soon as I reached the barrel I peeked inside to see it. There was no fight left in it and it was gasping for air barely able to keep it’s beak above the water. There was no movement in it’s torso and it was dying.

I suddenly realized that the bucket I’d brought was too big to fit inside the barrel and started running downstairs praying to God to keep it alive for a few more seconds. I found a smaller bucket and rushed back up and took the crow out.

All of this had happened within 15 seconds. Yet, 15 seconds too late as it turned out. The crow lay dead in front of me and I felt a sudden rush of anger, helplessness and sadness all at the same time. A flurry of questions raging inside my head:

Why the hell didn’t I kick the barrel over?

Why the hell didn’t I take a smaller bucket the first time?

Why the hell didn’t I use my hands to get the bird out?

Why couldn’t he (or she) hang on for 10 more seconds?

Why……????

There were no answers, only a terrible sense of guilt as I stood staring at the lifeless body of an unlucky bird.

Today, I killed a crow.